Nothingness Monster

Image by Piyapong Saydaung from Pixabay

I wish I could explain it. It's not just mental or medical.
It's not just executive dysfunction. It’s not just being tired. 

It's an intense fatigue that consumes my entire body and mind.
I have to fight to hold my head up. I want to cry, but I don't even
have the energy to do that. 

Medicine doesn't help. Encouragement doesn't help. 

The only thing that can make me move is the NEED for survival -
the external pressure and commitments. 
​
Even fear of judgment can't make me move. 

I couldn't even take my dog out last night. I'm racked with guilt
​any time this happens. 

I wish I could predict it. 

Over my lifetime, I've tried exercise, diet, cutting out alcohol and caffeine - None of it makes a difference. I'm not in pain. I'm not sick. Not really. I'm not always sleep-deprived. 

I feel like this invisible force - this monster no one can see - is holding me in place. It’s like those dreams where there’s a crisis, but I can't make my body move or my voice work. Except I’m awake.

It ruins my life because it can't be seen, predicted, or described. From the outside looking in, I’m sure people think I’m lazy.

I can do everything right, but this monster still haunts me. I can plan everything perfectly, and the invisible monster will come out of nowhere to incapacitate me and leave guilt and self-deprecation in its wake. 

Doctors tell me to do the same things I've tried for years. Friends and family can’t quite understand.

The mental gymnastics and organizational tactics I employ hoping to mitigate the effects of the always looming “NEXT TIME” are never enough. 

It's not depression because I'm not sad. It's not apathy because I care. It's not anxiety paralysis because the anxiety doesn't come until after the monster has taken hold. 

It's an intense nothingness - a physical and mental black hole that I have to pretend to ignore for fear that things will fall apart worse than they already have. 
​
I don't know the reason and I don't know the solution. I just know that it is. ​

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