Living Selfishly

(First Published at "Focus on Yourself" on 5/15/2015)
  
I’ve been searching for a blog topic for a long time. I knew I wanted to start a blog. I just wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about. I had several different ideas. Every time I thought of an article idea, I made a note of it. I’ve since returned to those notes several times and written a few small articles that I shared on a separate account. 

But my topic ideas were scattered. They ranged from typical “mommy blogger” topics, to how-to articles, to deep, philosophical ponderings. Some of them turned into stream of consciousness that read more like a journal entry, so I never published them. 

Despite my writing and experimenting in the midst of my paid freelance work, I was still struggling to find a topic. And then it hit me.

I have been doing some serious self-reflection these past couple of years - ever since I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I learned that I have a severely co-dependent personality. I learned that I have been spending my life as a people pleaser, terrified that I’m going to upset and alienate the people I love, leaving me alone and destitute. But no matter how hard I have tried, I have failed to please everyone.

When my stepfather passed away, I caught a glimpse of the truth that lay beneath my relatives’ “happy family” exterior. My mother seemingly became a different person – one that I now realize was always there, but my father’s death brought it into focus. She no longer had her buffer. 

When my mother passed away nearly five years later, the true colors of some of my relatives shone through bright and bold. It’s amazing the side you will see from people when there is life insurance money involved. I slowly pulled away from them, but it took me nearly another three years and the birth of my daughter to finally decide I was done with them. I was done with their toxicity – with the stress they brought to my life. I decided that the negatives they brought to my life far outweighed the positives. 

Shortly after my daughter was born, I began to learn about setting boundaries with the other people in my life. I began to speak up for myself, ever so softly. I still feared what they thought of me, and that fear was compounded by motherhood. I feared that I was being viewed as a bad mother. I made parenting choices that my and my husband’s parents didn’t make, and the not-so-subtle criticisms took their toll on me. 

I worried about whether or not my mother would be proud of the choices I had made. She wanted me to finish my education degree and become a teacher. Instead I worked in mental health for a few years and then transitioned into being a stay at home mom.

When my precious little girl was four months old, the depression set in. I was with her all the time, but I never felt present. I mulled over the passive aggressive comments from my family and in-laws and often cried believing that I wasn’t doing enough. I began to fear that my child was going to die, and it would be because I had unwittingly done something to cause it. 

If I had to be away from my daughter for even an hour, I feared that there would be some horrible accident because I wasn’t there or that I would die with my last words to her being “I’ll be right back, baby.” 

I began to feel that I was being tortured by my own mind. My efforts to communicate my feelings to my husband were met with comments like, “It’s normal for a mom to worry about her baby.” Except this wasn’t normal worry, and he didn’t seem to understand. I felt desolate and lonely. I felt ashamed of my thoughts and believed that if my own husband didn’t understand, then no one would. I was convinced that if I sought help, my child would be taken away from me. Our families would point at me and say, “See! We knew she was unfit to care for a child!” 

I spent my time alone crying, and I didn’t always know why. I had brief thoughts of suicide to end the pain but never seriously considered it because I was so terrified of being separated from my precious baby. I felt inadequate. I wasn’t contributing to the home in a tangible way. 

So I got a job babysitting. I loved every second of it. The little boy I watched was an absolute joy and I loved seeing him and my daughter learning together and becoming friends. But I still felt empty and numb. Bringing in a paycheck soothed my issues for a short time, but it soon became apparent that not making an income was not the main source of my feelings. 

So I began to dabble in freelance writing. I loved it, and it felt amazing to make extra cash doing something that I enjoyed and has always held my interest. But that feeling in the pit of my stomach was still gnawing away at me.

I would frequently fall into cycles of depression where I could barely function. I accomplished the bare minimum. Took care of the kids, met my deadlines on time, kept the house as clean as necessary for babysitting. I was functioning, but barely. There were times on the weekends that my daughter would wake up and play in her crib, and I would go back to sleep because I couldn’t bear to face another day of the pain. Eventually, I would get up and go through the motions of breakfast, lunch, dinner, bath, bed – lather, rinse, repeat. 

When my daughter was fourteen months old, I finally admitted to myself that I was likely suffering from postpartum depression and needed to seek help. The intrusive, impulsive thoughts were growing increasingly worse, and I was finding it difficult to focus on anything else. 

I soon began therapy and medication, and after a few months, I noticed a world of difference. Throughout my self-examination, I came to a realization: I have been living my life for everyone else but me. Martyring myself for my daughter will not benefit her in the long run. I need to set a positive example of what it looks like to be a strong, confident woman. 

At last, I realized that my blog topic should be about living selfishly. In the past year, I have learned that saying “no” simply because I don’t want to do something is OKAY. Refusing visitors because I’m busy is OKAY. I don’t have to rearrange my schedule to accommodate other people unless I actually want to. It’s OKAY to want the last piece of cake and be honest about it. It’s OKAY to be direct with the people in my life and tell them exactly what I need or want. It is OKAY to give a direct “yes” or “no” and not only mean it, but enforce it. It’s OKAY to refuse to accept things that make me uncomfortable. 

I am learning to trust my instincts and not question myself so often. I am learning to be gentle with myself and not judge myself so harshly. I am learning what it means to live selfishly without causing harm to those around me and still fulfilling my obligations and responsibilities. I am learning to ask myself what I need or want in a variety of situations. I am learning to set boundaries with the people in my life, including my husband and child. I am learning when to draw the line and say “Enough is enough!” 

The world could use a few more selfish people. I don’t mean selfish in the inconsiderate sense. I mean selfish in the sense that it is unproductive to disregard your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Ignoring yourself is the easiest way to build resentment and hostility in your relationships. Failing to speak up for yourself and allowing others to violate your personal boundaries will eventually erode and destroy your most important relationships. You will hate them. You will hate you. But you will see no way to resolve the issues without blowing up. 

You can be a kind, loving, giving individual while still living life to the fullest and putting your own happiness first. In fact, feeling happy and secure will almost guarantee that you are kind and loving, truly giving to others out of the goodness of your heart rather than out of obligation. 

Self-loathing is incredibly unproductive. If you spend a large amount of your time regretting your choices and beating yourself up over your regrets, you will prevent yourself from moving forward. If you have hurt someone you care about, confront it – especially if that person is you. 

So, it’s time to apologize to yourself for neglecting your own happiness. Come out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and see that it is not your responsibility to keep others happy.

You are the only person you have to live with forever. Make sure you love and appreciate the person you become. 

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