Painful Silence

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

Have you ever lived with the silent treatment?

It's that thing that hangs around your house, but you can't talk about it or make a fuss because it's not visible.

It's a beast that lurks in your safe space and makes your bones hurt. No one can see it but you and the person who brought it in. And that person sure as hell won't acknowledge it.

The silent treatment makes you wish they would yell at you instead.

"Call me a bitch or break a plate. Anything but this."

At least those are tangible things to point to and say, "See? That shit hurts. Cut it out."

The silence feels like the "I'm not touching you!" game. You can't complain because what did they do to you, really?

It's hard to explain the insidiousness of utter silence to people who haven't lived it. The thick stench of resentment hangs in the air. You know you've done something wrong, but you can't figure out what. You sense their contempt, but when you ask, they assure you that everything is fine. Then they ignore you for days or weeks.

They sigh heavily when they enter the room or sit near you. They give one-word answers when you ask a question. Sometimes they pretend they didn't hear you. The more you attempt to engage, the longer the silence persists.

It took me too long to accept that people who use the silent treatment know what they’re doing. I don't like believing that someone I love would hurt me on purpose. They could minimize the pain if they wanted. They could say, "I am upset about this thing, but I need space to think before we talk." Instead, they make you guess at what new transgression you have committed. The silent treatment is deliberate emotional abuse designed to mess with your head. Your pain is the point.

As soon as you can't take another moment of silence, you get what you've begged for - words. They speak to you and outline the ways you have failed as a partner, friend, child, etc. And you're relieved.

You've been trapped in the desert, desperate for hydration. You finally get that first cool drop on your tongue, and you're nothing but grateful. Any amount will suffice. You just want something.

You're so desperate for them to talk that you'll take anything, even insults. What a relief that they are finally "expressing their feelings."

You won't notice that they're blaming you for something they did. You won't notice that they took an issue you tried to address and turned it around to be your fault. They are "so hurt" by the way you approached them. They are sad that you have any criticism of them. They feel unseen because you failed to complete a simple task. Why can't they ever be good enough for you? Why do you have such unreasonable expectations? Why can't you anticipate their needs?

When you ask, they'll say they weren't ignoring you. They were "taking space to think about things." They didn't want to react in anger, after all.

You are so starved for their attention that you are willing to correct every issue they raise. You are willing to bend yourself into the person they know you can be. They believe in you. So, you work on improving yourself more. You tiptoe, hoping you won't press the button that makes them ignore you again.

But, alas, you can't avoid it. The button is always different, the rules always changing. This is the rest of your life.

Unless...

You choose to disengage and revel in the silence. Appreciate the relief from carrying their emotional load. Walk away at your first opportunity.

Realize you are not as powerful as you think you are. You have zero control over who they choose to be. This does not have to be the rest of your life.

Once you're out, you will see the silent treatment for what it is: a mechanism of control. It was a manipulation designed to make you feel like the villain in their suffering. 

You will find peace knowing that their silence does not control you. You will learn to see yourself outside of their perspective. You will have a new appreciation for quiet.

You will be free to be as loud or as quiet as you want. You will be free to fold the laundry your way and load the plates in the dishwasher facing left instead of right. You will be free to exist as you are instead of how you think they want you to be. You won't waste time hoping for scraps of acknowledgement.

You will drop the weight of their emotional regulation. You will only be responsible for you. Silence will no longer bring fear and pain - it will bring peace.

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